No psycho-babble, please - I'm British.

First Impressions : What You Don't Know About How Others See You

ANN PHD DEMARAIS and VALERIE PHD WHITE

No psycho-babble, please - I'm British.

Gad I needed this book, and if I was sensible I'd dip into it daily. OK, so it's ostensibly about how to finesse that first meeting, but it's also a brilliant checklist on how to maintain your cool. Of course, when one's gone as long as I in blissful ignorance of others' true view, the first few attempts to get into the book are pretty damn'd painful, and the sensible instinct is to toss it in the bin as garbage intended for other less fortunate and charming types. Also, being British and accordingly silent and stiff upper-lipped about these things, I rankled at some of the more touchie-feelie phrase ... but I didn't give in. I'm by no means there - and some of my conversational volte faces in social settings amuse my pals hugely - but at least there's a glimmer of awareness as I plod forward where angels fear to tread. The authors' credentials are impeccable: NY–based psychologists with their own consultancy on how to present oneself for business as well as first and (if you've read this book) 2nd or even 3rd dates - and all those myriad dread occasions when we interact with others for the first time. They also have a cool home page on http://firstimpressionsconsulting.com/ which I suggest you check out before doing yourself the huge favor of snatching up this book and honing off those rough edges. Who knows? We might meet one evening over a dry martini and find ourselves utterly entranced by our mutual suaveness and compatibility? Basically, the book confronts you with the gap between how you see yourself and the actual effect you have on others. Not easy to stomach. "Social generosity" is the answer - easier written than remembered - i.e., making others feel good about themselves. But of course. The section on the "Seven Fundamentals of a First Impression" (the need for self-disclosure, fluent conversation, body talk, mood quotient etc) ends each topic with a checklist of "positive topic behaviors" and "common miscommunications". Did you know that research reveals that 'getting in sync' with your partner calls for coordinated smiling, gesturing and a 'mutual attentive gaze'. So there. Sex appeal? The secret ingredient is 'androgynous characteristics matched with confidence and warmth'. Well, I never, but worry not - the tome includes workable tips on tweaking your style, down to that painful exercise of asking friends for feedback. Hmm - better the right friend. Think you're passionate? You may come off as self-absorbed. Think you've been charmingly "talking with" the crowd all these years? Most likely, it's been "talking at" - lecturing, storytelling, sermonizing and reeling off those rapier-like witty jokes. From the back-cover quotes, it's changed and saved the lives of all sorts of cool folks, so why not me? Maybe even you. Take the challenge.